ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
