At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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