I can text with my tongue
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My balls are so social today.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
