i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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