Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
