Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
