Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
