I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
