I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
