we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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