you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
