some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
