I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
