Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
