But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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