This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
