in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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