i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do vagina's smell?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
