Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
