Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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