Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
