Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
