i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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