if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.