My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.