Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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