My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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