i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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