I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
