If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
