Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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