I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
