I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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