Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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