allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
