Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
