We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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