I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
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One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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