I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
