I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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