So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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