he was CRYING into my vagina
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
