Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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