phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
