There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
