First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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