just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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