i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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