I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
