you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
