I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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