you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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