Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
