Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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