i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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