he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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