i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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