My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
